— What can I get for you today?
— I never know what I want, or so I’m told. What do you recommend?
— The Skinny Peppermint Mocha is good.
— Where do you see that? I don’t see it.
— It’s written on the big sign above me that says “menu.”
— Are you sure? I don’t see Skinny Peppermint Mocha. All I see is Fat, Unattractive Peppermint Mocha.
— Sorry?
— Who would want to drink something fat and unattractive? You really should work on how you present yourself. What else do you recommend?
— The Salted Caramel Mocha is popular.
— Salted Wounds Mocha? No thanks. That sounds like a drink your boyfriend might spill in the middle of a fight. So what if I laughed at all the lifeguard’s jokes? He’s a funny guy. How is the Cooled Affections Refresher?
— We have a Cool Lime Refresher.
— The menu says Cooled Affections Refresher. I think my boyfriend had it last month when he took me here for my birthday dinner, instead of that bistro. I don’t remember if he liked it. He was all distant. I think I had the Very Despair-y.
— Very Berry.
— I can’t make up my mind. I’ll just have my usual. A Badly Shaken Iced Tea.
— One Teavana Shaken Iced Tea. Would you like anything to eat?
— Yes. I am one bitter croissant.
— Say that again?
— I said I would like one bitter croissant.
— We don’t have any bitter croissants. Only butter.
— Fists Against the Wall Pound Cake?
— Iced Lemon Pound Cake.
— Wheat Spinach Emotionally Gut-Punched Doubled-Over?
— Only Savory Foldovers. And even those I wouldn’t recommend.
— I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Or is it you? Maybe you have a Chocolate Chip-On-Your-Shoulder-From-When-You-Got-Rejected-From-Arizona-State-University-And-Now-You-Take-It-Out-On-Me Cookie?
— Plain Chocolate Chip.
— I’m literally going to cry. Just give me a Self-Roasting, Self-Loathing Ham and Cheese on Croissant Bun. With extra Loathing.
— Are you okay? Do you need to talk to somebody?
— My boyfriend just broke up with me. I’m having a hard time with it. Is it obvious?
— Little bit.
— I’m tired of thinking about it. I can’t even muster the appetite for a Chicken Santa Fe Spiritually Dead Flatbread. Just give me the most flavorless, lifeless thing you have.
— One Cheese Danish.
— Fine. Cheese Danish. I’ll have a Cheese Danish.
— I hope it makes you feel better. That’ll be $32.95.
