Photo by Sincerely Media on Unsplash

— What can I get for you today?

— I never know what I want, or so I’m told. What do you recommend?

— The Skinny Peppermint Mocha is good.

— Where do you see that? I don’t see it.

— It’s written on the big sign above me that says “menu.”

— Are you sure? I don’t see Skinny Peppermint Mocha. All I see is Fat, Unattractive Peppermint Mocha.

— Sorry?

— Who would want to drink something fat and unattractive? You really should work on how you present yourself. What else do you recommend?

— The Salted Caramel Mocha is popular.

— Salted Wounds Mocha? No thanks. That sounds like a drink your boyfriend might spill in the middle of a fight. So what if I laughed at all the lifeguard’s jokes? He’s a funny guy. How is the Cooled Affections Refresher?

— We have a Cool Lime Refresher.

— The menu says Cooled Affections Refresher. I think my boyfriend had it last month when he took me here for my birthday dinner, instead of that bistro. I don’t remember if he liked it. He was all distant. I think I had the Very Despair-y.

— Very Berry.

— I can’t make up my mind. I’ll just have my usual. A Badly Shaken Iced Tea.

— One Teavana Shaken Iced Tea. Would you like anything to eat?

— Yes. I am one bitter croissant.

— Say that again?

— I said I would like one bitter croissant.

— We don’t have any bitter croissants. Only butter.

— Fists Against the Wall Pound Cake?

— Iced Lemon Pound Cake.

— Wheat Spinach Emotionally Gut-Punched Doubled-Over?

— Only Savory Foldovers. And even those I wouldn’t recommend.

— I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Or is it you? Maybe you have a Chocolate Chip-On-Your-Shoulder-From-When-You-Got-Rejected-From-Arizona-State-University-And-Now-You-Take-It-Out-On-Me Cookie?

— Plain Chocolate Chip.

— I’m literally going to cry. Just give me a Self-Roasting, Self-Loathing Ham and Cheese on Croissant Bun. With extra Loathing.

— Are you okay? Do you need to talk to somebody?

— My boyfriend just broke up with me. I’m having a hard time with it. Is it obvious?

— Little bit.

— I’m tired of thinking about it. I can’t even muster the appetite for a Chicken Santa Fe Spiritually Dead Flatbread. Just give me the most flavorless, lifeless thing you have.

— One Cheese Danish.

— Fine. Cheese Danish. I’ll have a Cheese Danish.

— I hope it makes you feel better. That’ll be $32.95.

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